What is Love?

Ohh Yes, Anyone can love a rose. Beautifulest girl in class would always have a hoard of people goggling towards her. Same goes for a guy. A hotfest dude would have lookbacks and whispers for him.

But what is love?

Love is not that we see in movies. Love is definately not only that thing that happens between two good looking people acting on-screen.

It can happen between two really very ugly people. Take for instance a very ugly girl, having her heart, purest in its form given to the ugliest guy around. And he feels the twinge at his heart when he sees her. There! That is love. That is the most beautifullest thing in world. 

Beauty lies in the eyes of the person seeing things.

She always used to ask me, whenever we met. How am I looking?  and I knew with all my heart that she looked fabulous to me. TO ME. To a mother, her child is the most beautifullest person there ever is. Likewise, to me she was unconditionally the most beautifullest person there ever was.Is. She was my kid :)

She used to ogle at me and say with a smile, 'there's no use in asking you ever, how I look. You'll always say beautiful.'

In her heart, she liked it more than anything. Me declaring her the most precious thing I could ever have, was all she ever wanted. She never wanted anything from me. No Never. She never made any demands or any wishes for material things. She always demanded love with unsaid words.

Frankly, She wasn't beautifullest in that sense. And I am not the person to look up to in crowd. I may be the ordinariest person you'd ever know. A person who would get lost in crowd and be never remembered for.

I always used to say to her, that No, I was really the lucky one, who had her. Coz i never was much worthy of having a child and life as her.

But, to this oridinary person, this ugly one she loved with all her heart and soul. I had her with me, her hand in my hand, that was sooo precious that I couldnt figure out how I ended up there. Of being so blessed one to have what I once only dreamt about. The person to love with all your heart and the person to love you back with much much more love.

Well, Heart is the only thing we have which is ours.

whats in your heart?

People think they know you. They think they know how you’re handling a situation. But the truth is, no one knows. No one knows what happens after you leave them, when you’re lying in bed or sitting over your breakfast alone and all you want to do is cry or scream. They don’t know what’s going on inside your head – the mind-numbing cocktail of anger and sadness and guilt. This isn’t their fault. They just don’t know. And so they pretend and they say you’re doing great when you’re really not. And this makes everyone feel better. Everybody but you.

What's a heartbreak?

To me heartbreak is waking up at 4am at night...barely breathing, a quench of air...solidified in your throat. Trying to make meaning of unknown. Hoping that pain would be so much, so damn much that it kills you then and there. Wishing for death to come in a disguise because I'm a coward. A coward to end his own life.

This is Dark. This period is called that dark period where I lost me. Simply Me.

To me heartbreak is lying on bathroom floor with water oozing over you.... and you crying out loud...giving away silent screams, letting your tears blend in water. Hoping no-one would notice your red eyes or glum face.

To me heartbreak is being courageous in front of your parents, trying to put a fake smile and saying, 'yes ma, I am good', and failing miserably at that. Trying to somehow work through your day, trying to tire yourself so much.... that at the end of day, sleep would be kind enough to come.

But, who's to be true to you? when whole world seems nothing worth looking for....how can I wish for something so kind happen to me? How would it let you be good and harmonious.You should feel this pain. You should wish for death for every breath you take and God be so unkind to you that it doesn't gives you even that. I wish with every moment I live. I sometimes wish I didn't had anyone to cry over for me. Burden of those tears is too much to carry.

To me heartbreak is breaking bread with your parents and when alone hoping it would throw out. Because comfort, extravagance is something you are not worthy of.

This is fault with a computer letter of thoughts. Tears you shed while writing letter never wet your paper.
These are simply silent confessions to an uncaring world. In a hope, that someone would see this. Someone would notice how pathetic my life is. How much more pathetic I wish to be.

This is the same heart she once loved more than her heart. This is the same heart that she once cared for and broke her heartfelt wishes for the same. This is the same heart. This was the same heart.

*pain*

The main problem with life is hope. Hope kills.

Asach ek aatvan

It was a fine sunny day...

 It was a fine sunny day, with cool wind blowing through a shade tree top-head...but now its about evening..
College canteen's backside was as secluded as college cubicles where we used to hangout  ...
Dusty tables and red coloured chairs, filled the canteen's backside alley.

I went and bought two bottles of slice. Canteenwale Uncle smiled at me while handing bottles... because he knew, for whom was the second bottle.

She. My Life...she was on a grocery shopping spree yesterday. she had some biscuits and some snacks for her room eats. She had  bourbon biscuits with her in her bag.....

She tore apart the packaging. Me and her... smile back at each other with so childish innocence of seeing something so awesome. That look on both of our faces, of that of a child who just opened a cadbury's packet.

A bite of bourbon with a sip of slice and I smile to her and she smiles back.

That! that smile.. then and there... I declare whole world to her. Then and there she gets everything I can put my finger on and say this thing is mine. Then and there I give away my life to her. That smile.

She smiles at me and askes "changla lagta na.? i love bourbons" [ tastes nice na? I love bourbons".. and I'm like yes.. [ they did taste great!] ... yes they are awesome but to tell you truth even if it was a bitter gourd [Karela] I'd probably have said the same.. :)

Because whatever she say, is simply untarnished truth to me.

After 3-4 biscuits, she puts slice bottle to her lips and takes a long sip..and makes a funny noise [because she knows.. she knows I'm listening] .. a funny noise of being sooo goodfelt ..soo at awesomeness...and puts her bottle down..and laughs at my expression [ ....which is simply drool to this point....] and says, 'I love it!'

And I'm like 'I love you too'
..
With occasional hand-in-hand, we take a walk towards her hostel in front of college.
and all along she says 'i dont want to go motu...i want to stay'
and with unashamed bluntness [evil I am, I know :( ]  I reply 'nahi na munu, dont worry...I'll call you as soon as i reach my home and then we'll talk for hours and hours'

I see her saddened face and feel a twitch at my heart..
She looks at my face and whispers/mouths 'I love you' and I say back.. 'me paan...khup khup khup [me too, a lot lot lot] '
She walks towards hostel entrance. And I keep looking at her for all the views, for all those steps she takes...for every bit of her I could see.. for each and every ...for until that last moment.. I want to see her. :)

*life*